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The Holidays are upon us!

I’m beginning to feel a little overwhelmed by my holiday shopping; I want to get everyone exactly what they want and I want to do it on a budget, so it’s quite a balancing act.

After a day of contemplating my list I was feeling very tired as I sat down to write my blog and that’s when I was visited by an old alter ego of mine, Captain Cynical. Captain Cynical very kindly offered to write this week’s blog for me and, seeing that there was a new episode of How I Met Your Mother on the DVR, I agreed.

(Click here to listen to this song as you read the blog –>) ride_of_the_valkyries (Once you click on the song link it will take you to another window to play. When the song starts playing come back to this window to read the blog.)

Nothing is certain but death, taxes and holiday shopping, right? I’m pretty sure that’s a direct quote from Santa, or maybe someone who runs the government and decides such things for all of us.

Today’s blog is an honest, come on, we know it’s true, assessment of the holiday shopping season and our place in the corporate dollar re-distribution machine. We’ve been groomed from birth to outwit, out-shop and out-give each other. So let the games begin and may the one who spends the least amount of money on the fewest people feel guilty all year long.

First, a gentle reminder, dear friends: As we charge headlong into another inevitable holiday season we should make sure not to run over our slower moving brethren on the way to the cash register.


We all know that Christmas, Hannukah, Festivus and whatever the Scientologists do are not about how good or bad we’ve been all year, but about how grand a spectacle we can put on, how extravagantly we can outdo our family members, neighbors and friends with our gift giving and decorating prowess.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

So as we rush out to crush the competition, let us take a moment and be thankful for the available credit to buy the best that the malls have to offer and be thankful that we own the right Kitchenaid mixer to manufacture treats that make our loved ones exclaim in ecstacy and be thankful for our Dorito-nourished legs, which allow us to beat the competition to the hottest toys.

Santa Never Imagined This Tree

May your dinner table put Martha to shame, may your gift wrapping bring your gifts’ recipients to tears of amazement and gratitude and may the gifts inside bring you no shortage of joy that you and you alone thought of the most wonderful, perfect gift ever. No one can possibly outdo you. And if they do, may you have the fortitude to never let them know.

Once you’ve shopped, baked, wrapped and bestowed your kindness on all of your loved ones and those you feel obligated to shop for because they got you something last year, take a moment to sit back and take a look at what those people have gotten you. Hopefully they have given you gifts that show they were thinking of you with happiness and affection. Because while we may be perfection machines, it is of the utmost importance that our loved ones never become soulless automatons who shop just to make the point that they are worth loving. I mean, really. That’s just what Chase and Citibank want. No, no, best they leave the heavy lifting to you, gentle reader, a person strong enough to know the difference between the art and commerce of holiday shopping, a person who will always stay true to the art of being the best holiday provider ever.

Me, I’m getting them all gift certificates to Target.

Onward Christmast Soldiers! Shop away!

– Your Bestie, Captain Cynical


One comment on “The Holidays are upon us!

  1. Merry Christmas! Your husband is helping me record a song that I can share with the world for the holidays!

    Special friends will get a bottle of 70 proof Vermont Maple Liquor! Check it out..
    Sapling Vermont Maple Liqueur for the Holidays!

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